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Bible Stories Retold by Paul Stock
Jesus drove up into the
Tararuas with his disciples because he needed a break from the crowds.
However, word got out about where he was going and a bunch of people in
cars followed him out of Palmerston North.
When he got to an outdoor recreation centre he sat down on the grass and
taught his disciples and the crowd that had gathered. That night they all piled into the Centre to sleep.
The next morning Jesus’ disciples found that there was no petrol left
in anybody’s cars. Some bogans
had come in the night and siphoned it all.
Two of the disciples said, “Lord, why don’t we ask God to strike them
with lightning; or failing that, lets find them and beat the snot out of
them!” Another disciple said,
“see Lord, I told you this would happen, you spend too much time being nice to
those bogans.” Judas looked on
with a wry smile and thought to himself “cheeky little brats, full marks for
sheer audacity.” Still another
disciple said, “Lord we are 30 km from the nearest petrol station, what are we
going to do?” Jesus replied, “you give them some petrol! - has anyone got a
petrol can in their boot?” The
disciples found two cans. Raising
the petrol cans in the air Jesus said, “Father, thank you that you have
granted me power on earth.” He
lowered his arms and instructed his disciples to fill the petrol tanks.
After a while they returned and said, “we’ve filled all the cars with
petrol and these cans are still full!” The crowd was amazed and quite relieved
as they drove back to Palmy. The next day a delegation
from Mobil, Shell and BP drove up into the Tararuas to see Jesus.
Their marketing representative strode up to Jesus, pumped his hand and
said “have we got a deal for you.” The
contract in his hand waved gently in the breeze. “If you will agree to produce 100,000 litres of premium
unleaded per day we will give you a 10% royalty.
And as a goodwill gesture, we will replace your old Ford Telstar with a
Ford XR6. You know the one like Christian Cullen drives.
I’m sure you approve of his name, you know, Christian Cullen.”
The delegation chuckled, “nothing like a bit of humour to close a
business deal” the marketing rep thought.
Jesus stared at them and groaned, “What is it with you people!
I fill your cars with petrol yesterday when you were in a tight spot and
you respond by trying to harness my power to fuel your own greed!.
Aren’t you interested in a changed life and an eternal hope from
God?” The delegation replied, “What is it that God wants us to do?” Jesus
replied, “believe in me, the one he has sent!” The marketing rep said,
“ah… would you consider a 25% royalty?” Jesus stared at him for a while then motioned to his
disciples, got in his Telstar and drove away. The feeding of the 5000 from John 6, retold by Paul Stock.
A student of the Bible came up to Jesus one day and put
a question to him. “Good
teacher”, he said, “what must I do to get in on eternal life?” Jesus
replied, “What’s written in the Bible? How do you read it?”
The student replied, “in summary I would say, Love God with all you’ve got and love your neighbour as you
would like to be loved.” Jesus
said, “That’s the right answer.
Do that and you're in” But this guy was a seasoned student. He’d
attended a lot of lectures, read many books, got good exam marks and rated
himself as a bit of a brain. So he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbour?” Jesus told him a story: A financially strapped family was travelling from
Wellington to Taihape. Their
clothes were threadbare; the old Datsun they were in was rusted and belched
smoke. Their two children had
coughs and runny noses. Dad had a
drinking problem. Mum had a
far-away look in her eyes like the whole world was on her shoulders.
They approached Palmy from the Linton end and just as they were crossing
the Fitzherbert Bridge the Datsun conked out.
The father wasn't at all mechanical so they piled out hoping some one
would stop to help. Two Mormons were cycling along.
They saw the family standing there but thought “they look grubby and
we’ve got clean shirts and ties on. Besides
we need to get door-knocking.” So
they slipped down into the Esplanade before they got near the car. A televangelist was in his car. He also saw the family
but he thought “mmm… looks like a job for the Salvation Army. Besides, I
feel uncomfortable around people like this, and I’m due at church in five
minutes.” So he depressed the
accelerator slightly and made sure he didn’t meet their gaze as he drove by. Finally a lecturer and prominent atheist crossed the
bridge in his car. He thought to
himself, “flip they’re in a bad way, I better help”. So he pulled his car over next to theirs.
He bundled the family into his car and took them down to a local garage,
where he arranged a tow truck and repair of the car.
It was an overnight job so he booked the family into a hotel. To the
garage owner he said, “when the car’s repaired send me the bill” and to
the Hotel Owner he said, “here’s $200 for the night plus breakfast, if it
costs more than that bill me for the difference.” Then Jesus asked the Bible student, “Which of the
three were a real neighbour to the family in need?” The student answered,
“The one who showed compassion.” Jesus
said, “Go and do the same!” The story of the Good Samaritan, from Luke 10, retold
by Paul Stock. P.A.Stock@massey.ac.nz
Jesus
parked his Telstar in the car park at Pak n’ Save on a Friday night.
He instructed his disciples to go and buy the groceries for the week and
then wandered down to the Fat Ladies Arms.
He bought a handle of Speights and sat down at one of the outdoor tables.
Sitting across the table from him was a female Vet student.
They got talking about Vet labs, exams and the pressure to succeed.
Jesus asked her how she coped with the pressure.
The Vet student replied, “I come down here every Friday night and get
bombed.” “What does your boyfriend think of you doing this?”Jesus
asked The student replied,
“Ah…I’m between relationships right now.”
Jesus said, “What you say is true.
You’ve bounced from one guy to the next since you came to Varsity, and
you’re still searching.” The
Vet student replied, “Are you a mind-reader or do you work for the IRD? That’s reminds me my tax rebate is due shortly and so is a
refill of this jug.” Jesus said,
“You’re trying to drown your sorrows but you’re searching in the wrong
places. The comfort and peace I
give is far more lasting than what you are trying.”
The student replied, “Who do you think you are?
What on earth is in your handle of Speights? This conversation is moving from the personal to the
bizarre.” “I am deadly
serious,” Jesus replied. “What
was the Matrix all about?”, Jesus asked her. “Morpheus believed that Neo was
the One to save the world”, she replied. Jesus responded, “The Matrix was
fiction, I AM the reality. I AM the One.”
Visibly shaken, the Vet student left the Arms and hurried back to her
flat, leaving a half full jug of Speights on
the table. Eventually
Jesus’ disciples found him. None
of them dared to ask him why he was at the Arms, let alone talking to a female
Vet student. On Saturday morning she talked to her flatmates about what happened. “I met this guy last night and it freaked me out – I mean this guy knew everything about me – like he was staring right into my soul, then he started talking about being the One, you know –like Neo in the Matrix.” Her flatmate who was a Techi replied, “I’ve told you about Psych Majors – steer clear of them. By the way, what was his name? “Jesus”, she replied. Her four flatmates stared at each other. “We’ve heard rumours about that guy, big rumours, like he’s some sort of miracle worker – they say there was no-one left in a wheelchair in Levin when he was there. We want to talk to this guy, let’s find out where he is staying in Palmy.” The next day the whole flat visited Jesus at his place and peppered him with questions. After days of discussion the flatmates come to some conclusions. “We’ve heard the rumours but wanted to check it out for ourselves. We don’t believe because of what our flatmate said but because we talked to you ourselves. We believe you are who you say you are – the Saviour of the World.”
Jesus
was at the Fitz, a bunch of students crowded around him.
He was talking with them about God and the meaning of life over a
handle. When Jesus left he
was seen by some members of the religious Right.
They were not amused. “This
guy hangs out with rowdy, horny, half-drunk students.
He even drinks beer with them.” Jesus
told them this story: There
was a man from Palmerston North who had two sons.
The younger son said to his father, “Lets pretend you’re dead.
Give me my share of your will now.” The father owned two Appliance
stores in town. So he sold one and
gave the money to his son. Not long after that this son got all his possessions together
and caught a plane to Australia with Freedom Air. When
he arrived in Aus he blew all his money on drinking, gambling, strip clubs and
prostitutes. He didn’t have a
cent left and the Aussie economy was entering a bad recession.
He began to hurt, really hurt, but no-one gave a toss about him. Finally
he came to his senses and said, “My fathers employees are treated so well and
here I am starving to death! I’ll
go back to dad and tell him how wrong I have been.
“I don’t deserve to be called your son.
I’ll be happy if you just take me back as one of your shop
assistants.” He resolved to go
home. While
he was still a long way down the street from home his dad saw him. His
father ran out into the street, crying out his son’s name.
The dad ran to his son and hugged him in his arms. The
son started into his recited confession but he didn’t get very far.
His dad rang one of his employees. “After my son has had a decent
shower and feed I want you to take him down town to get him some clothes – the
best you can get. And get a big
banner made up to put across the front fence, “WELCOME HOME SON”. Then ring the caterers and hire a DJ. Let’s party! I
thought my son was dead and gone – lost forever.
But he’s alive and he’s come home, he’s come home.” The older son arrived home. Fuming, he refused to join the party, his father pleaded with him to join the party but he refused. “This loser of a son of yours doesn’t deserve the VIP treatment.” My son, the father replied, “all I have is yours too. But let’s party. Your brother was dead and gone – lost forever. But he’s alive and he’s come home, he’s come home.” It was a Friday afternoon and Marsden lecture theatre was unusually full. Jesus was giving a lecture on ethics and morality. Suddenly a group from the religious right burst into the lecture theatre. Dragging a dishevelled student they stormed up to Jesus and said, “we caught this guy shagging with another guy. He deserves to be lined up against the whiteboard and shot!” Jesus continued to write on the whiteboard with his back to them. Stridently they insisted on him answering them. Jesus turned slowly and answered, “whoever among you that has not done anything wrong can fire the first shot.” Slowly the members of the group left the lecture theatre, the oldest ones leaving first. The dishevelled student remained, with his head down, humiliated before his classmates. Jesus replied, “where are those that condemned you?” “They are no longer here,” he student replied. “Neither do I condemn you. You may go, but leave your old life and live a new life.”
There once was a scientist who did not believe in life
after death. One day he mused, “I
need some light entertainment, time to give some religious type a wind-up.”
He got on the web and linked to http//:www.Jesus@Godzone.mµ. He put this question to Jesus: “Now there was a man who married a gym instructor. The poor guy died early from over-exertion. His widow was an absolute babe and there was no shortage of suitors. So to cut a long story short she married six more times and each time her new husband died. Last of all the woman died. When they enter the after-life who will be her husband?” Jesus replied, “You don’t have the big picture because you are unaware of the power of God. In the after life there will be no marriage or partners – just like it is at the moment with angels. Now, some more about life after death. Right now Mendel, Faraday and Polyani are worshipping God. He is not the God of the dead, but of the living. You are badly mistaken.” |
